The garden
What type of parent are you?
So often, when we become parents, we swear to ourselves that we’re going to raise our kids differently to how we were raised. For many of us, we want to avoid threatening and punishing our kids, and just generally being mean. We hope to treat our children with respect, to cultivate harmony in our homes, and to raise responsible, kind adults who want to have an ongoing, close relationship with us.
So, we cut out punishments, threats and time-outs. We vow to ourselves we won’t yell or rant. Yet, after a while, we might find ourselves feeling like a pushover, feeling resentful, and perhaps even a bit out of control. And sometimes we get overwhelmed and we slide onto that low road, where we hear our own parents’ harsh voices coming out of our mouths. Why is this so hard?!
I describe this process as a bit like gardening. We can remove the weeds and hope that our garden will blossom and grow. But unless we plant something in place of the weeds, they will either leave a barren space, or the weeds will simply return, growing over bushier than ever. Instead, we need to deliberately plant and tend the seeds of what we wish to cultivate in our garden.
This is where peaceful parenting comes in…
What is Peaceful Parenting?
Peaceful parenting refers to a parenting framework devised by globally renowned parenting expert, Dr Laura Markham. It advocates the concept of authoritative parenting - giving our children high levels of warm support to meet the high expectations we set for them- which decades of research have shown leads to the best long-term outcomes for children. This relationship-based parenting model also incorporates several science-backed skills and concepts, which all tie together to create a hugely impactful toolkit of parenting practices.
In a nutshell, the research-based, parent-tested peaceful parenting model is about three simple ideas:
Regulating your own emotions
Peaceful parenting encourages and supports parents to regulate their own emotions before they react, so that they can best respond to their children’s needs.
Connecting with your child
Connection is really the only influence parents have to encourage their children to cooperate with expectations. When a child is not being cooperative, peaceful parenting suggests parents focus on creating more warm connection. Connection is also what makes this whole parenting thing worthwhile, plus connection deepens the parent-child relationship from childhood, through the teen years, and into adulthood.
Coaching kids instead of controlling them
All children need limits and a peaceful parent will set high (developmentally appropriate) expectations for their children. When parents accept their child's emotions and support them through the tough ones while still empathetically holding limits relating to their behaviour, children learn that, while they may not always get what they want, they get something better - a parent who is on their side, is there to guide them, and who loves them no matter what. When parents coach instead of control, children are much more willing to cooperate. Research demonstrates that coaching is the foundation of emotional intelligence; is much more effective than punishment, bribery and threats; and instills an inner moral compass.
A peaceful parent believes that their child is doing the best they can and, if they are not meeting our expectations, that they will do better with more support. A peaceful parent works hard to figure out what that support might be. A parent coach can be an invaluable help with this.
So, instead of vowing to cut out the nasty stuff and just hoping for the best, let’s support ourselves to adopt a positive, respectful parenting approach which fosters deep, long-lasting relationships and a happy home.